The Infected Paper Cut

Dear Florida,

Would you look at yourself? Seriously.. look around. What do you have going for you anymore?

Oranges. Old people. Disney World. California has variations of all three AND it can boast that Bill O’Reilly hates it. You’ve got West Nile, there’s ties to Bush, and you’ve plagarized the nation’s motto and money for your own state slogan, like nobody would notice.

You’re like the semi-cool guy in high school who the popular kids only hang out with because your parents have a pool and a fully stocked liquor cabinet.

But you know what? I’ve been able to deal with all of this because a.) I can always escape to Cuba. b.) You look pretty stunning standing next to Alabama and c.) You’re paying for my classes.

I’m getting my bachelor’s degree soon and moving on to graduate school so my tolerance of you hinges entirely upon the follow question:

Truck Nutz? Are you serious?! I can’t drive ten minutes without running into floundering road construction, my brother is twenty and can’t read because of your schools, but you’re going to put your time and attention into making sure I don’t have to look at balls during my morning commute. Fantastic.

He's still slipping this guy into every conversation

Yesterday evening, after watching eight YouTube videos and losing about an hour and a half of my life, I heard my Dad utter the question I’d been dreading since I first pressed play.

“So.. what do you think?”

Why can’t it ever be in a “Holy Crap. That man has lost his everloving mind.” sort of a tone? It’s always so optimistic, so laced with giddy, Kool-Aid induced acceptance.

He knows I don’t agree or else I wouldn’t have been forced into watching it in the first place.

Things always go downhill and someone ends up with hurt feelings.

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Me: Dad.. can you promise me something? And don’t take it the wrong way.

Dad: Hmm?

Me: It’s… interesting, don’t get me wrong, but can we please stop treating email forwards like they’re hot off the AP wires?

Dad: *sighs* You don’t agree with him?

Me: No. Not quite.

Dad: But why not?

Me: Because of Adam Smith, Fareed Zakaria,  that one class in physical geology that I took, annnnnd logic.

Dad: Very funny. Were any of those people in board meetings with top oil men?

Me: I doubt it, but I honestly don’t care either way.

Dad: But he was IN THE MEETINGS. He heard their PLANNING.

Me: As was Pinky when the Brain was plotting to take over the world. It doesn’t mean I’d buy his book and retake Alaska on his advice.

Dad: … I’m getting a Fudgsicle. You want one?